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16 Orgasmic Sex Positions (Steps To Take Her to the Brink of Orgasm)

16-super-powerful-orgasmic-sex-positions-to-make-her-orgasm

Before I start this amazing article on orgasmic sex positions, I want to ask you a question?

Have you and your girlfriend or wife ever talked before having sex about where you want to do it, discussed the best time, which positions will help her reach orgasm best, what toys and tools can spice it up or increase her sex drive?

Even before I became a professional sexpert, people would come to me for advice.

One of the most often asked questions from both my female friends and the men who

come to me for help, is  ”what positions make it easier for my wife to reach orgasm?”

We all know about missionary, doggy-style, cowgirl and variations.

These are all great, but we need something new, fresh and exciting orgasmic sex positions! What other ideas do you have that might work?”

At first, I didn’t have a lot of answers. I knew what I’d been taught, what I’d done, and what worked for me.

But I wasn’t terribly clear about why certain sex positions worked better than others, and in some cases, only worked for a few people, and only when certain conditions were met.

I became frustrated, wanting to give my clients and more importantly, my wife, a more concrete answer they could take home with them to try out in bed immediately.

I realized the way to figure out what works for people is to ask them! I undertook 2 years of research, thinking I’d be able to find at least a few amazing orgasmic sex positions that work.

So, if you are ready to please your woman sexually and take her to the brink of orgasm then read this article till the end as in the end I will also share with you my special recommendation.

#1. Advanced Sex Positions For Better & More Intense Orgasms!

An orgasm occurs during the peak of a man or woman’s sexual arousal.

The experience differs greatly between the genders and from person to person, and can be achieved through a variety of stimulation methods, such as masturbating, fantasizing, kissing, touching, intercourse and subconscious dreaming.

Now that you understand just how many things the word “orgasm” can mean, let’s delve a bit deeper into what an orgasm truly is.

To do that, we need to debunk a few myths about orgasms, introduce the major female anatomical bits and pieces, and then describe the process of female orgasm from start to finish.

#2. Myth: If your wife or girlfriend doesn’t have an orgasm every time, it means you are a terrible lover.

REALITY: Orgasms aren’t something that one can ‘give’ to another person. The journey all the way to the orgasm phase is effected by a variety of factors, like emotional state and physical preparedness.

Communicating with your partner during sexual acts helps increase the likelihood of orgasm.

#3. Myth: Sex isn’t great sex without both partners reaching a simultaneous orgasm.

REALITY: If you can orgasm at the same time as your partner, consider it a blessing but not a right.

 Most folks don’t orgasm at the same time as their partners because achieving orgasm is such a complex dance, so if you are able, focus your energies better where it counts.

#3. Myth: Sex without orgasm is a pointless endeavour.

REALITY: Not everyone will achieve orgasm during every sexual experience. What constitutes pleasure differs greatly between each of us not only from person to person, but day to day as well.

Orgasm certainly isn’t the only pleasure your wife can experiences!

#4. Myth: If she can’t orgasm with just a penis inside of her, there’s something wrong with her.

REALITY: Women need more than vaginal insertion to reach orgasm.

Almost all women need direct or indirect clitoral stimulation to come, and these sex positions in this article are specifically demonstrated and described to help your partner achieve orgasm through sexual intercourse by ensuring her clitoris has adequate stimulation in a variety of positions!

There is going to be a lot of information to absorb in this section. Some women may not even be familiar with the terms and body parts introduced here and you need to remember that’s okay.

Just make sure that you know where all the important bits lie, so that you’ll understand what I’m talking about later when describing orgasmic sex positions in detail.

This anatomy lesson will also give you the information you need to know to tell when she’s moving closer towards climaxis is where the action happens, where all the sparky-spark and wonderful feelings ignite.

The clitoral head defines a woman’s sexual anatomy, and it’s where most men run to first when exploring her nether regions.

Call it the bud, button, pleasure nub or skittle, but its real name is the clitoral glans or clitoral head and that’s how it’ll be referred to throughout this article.

The clitoral head is the richest area of the human body when it comes to nerve endings, hosting more than eight thousand in its tiny little package.

As it fills with blood during arousal, it swells - similarly to how a penis swells with blood and becomes erect.

Since the clitoral head sensitivity can actually hamper a woman’s ability to experience pleasure, there is a cover that protects this area from too much stimulation, called the hood or prepuce.

This area loves gentle, rhythmic stimulation throughout the arousal process, although as a woman gets close to orgasm both areas can handle firmer, stronger pressure.

#6. G-SPOT

Find the G-Spot along the top wall of a woman’s vagina when you have one finger inside of her.

Make a beckoning, “come hither” motion to rub just the right way. You’ll feel the spongy tissue that defines the area, and it will grow and swell as she gets more and more aroused.

Some women aren’t fond of having this area touched when not excited, so it’s better to play with G-Spot arousal when she’s really excited and lubricated first.

As some women have a larger G-Spot than others, try and think of this bit of anatomy as a general area rather than an ‘X marks the spot’ sort of concept. Explore and let her direct the action.

When a woman is naked with her legs closed, you’ll see a fleshy area covered in public hair (if she hasn’t shaved or waxed it off).

That sensitive yet oft-ignored area is the Mons Pubis.

When you have a finger or your penis inside of her, try pushing down gently on this area with one hand; not only will you get a feel as to where your body part is massaging her internally, but you’ll also make a ‘sandwich’ between some really pleasurable nerve endings to give her a great thrill.

There’s a sensitive spot just above the clitoral head that covers the entire shaft.

You can see it with the naked some women aren’t fond of having this area touched when not excited, so it’s better to play with G-Spot arousal when she’s really excited and lubricated first.

16-Orgasmic-Sex-Positions-Tricks-To-Take-Her-to-the-Brink-of-Orgasm

On the other side of the clitoral head lies the frenulum. More soft touches are appreciated here.

This general area from the front commissure to the frenulum hosts the most potential for a woman’s sexual pleasure.

There are two sets of lips that surround a woman’s vaginal opening, and the labia minora are the smaller ones closer to her inner sanctum.

As a woman gets more excited, these lips swell and engorge with blood, oftentimes changing color from her normal skin tone to a dark, purplish red.

Light touches are appreciated here, as these lips are exceptionally sensitive as she nears climax.

The opening is the only part of a woman’s vagina that you can see.

Touch it gently and lightly, or lick it with a soft tongue to give her the most pleasure.

As she nears orgasm, the opening will tighten while the rest of her vaginal canal will widen and lengthen to accept deeper penetration.

Where the vaginal opening ends and the labia majora and minora meet, you’ll find the fourchette.

Light pinching and/or rubbing are best for this area, which should be massaged regularly to maintain elasticity.

Between a woman’s anal opening and the fourchette lies the perineum, also known as the ‘taint’.

Since there’s a host of nerve endings in this area that connect most of a woman’s sexual anatomy, gentle pressure, touching, and licks are perfect here, whether from the outside or from within her anus and/or vagina.

#13. ANUS

The many nerve endings that make perineum stimulation feel fantastic also comes into play with a woman’s anus, provided that she doesn’t have any qualms.

Use a finger cot or gloves whenever touching this area or a condom if you are concerned about cleanliness when entering her.

Make sure to wash your hands as well before and after any anal contact, and change out the condom as well so as not to exchange bacteria that might be lingering and on the ready to make your partner really uncomfortable with a nasty infection.

Every person goes through a pre-set series of steps to reach orgasm, whether they are male or female, alone or with a lover, masturbating or having sex.

Every level achieved is built on the one that came before it, and without those foundational steps, the ones that follow can’t happen.

With a clear beginning and an end, there’s a fixed definition to the process, and each item along the orgasmic path has a reason and requirement to be there.

All of the anatomical parts have roles to play as well, although some parts are smaller than others.

There’s a beautiful rhythm and flow to the entire process, each part focused in one direction.

Researchers use varying terms to describe the orgasmic process, but no matter what it’s called, the steps remain the same: a woman thinks about sex, her body follows the direction of her mind and becomes aroused, and then she moves into sexual tension, a peak, orgasm and then a quick flow back to her normal resting phase.

Every person goes through a pre-set series of steps to reach orgasm, whether they are male or female, alone or with a lover, masturbating or having sex.

Many women can start the process all over again are able to achieve multiple orgasms in a relatively short period of time, much quicker than most men.

To understand better where your partner is along the sexual response cycle, I’ve written out the four stages here: foreplay, climax and release and the markers to look for, take note of, and work towards.

The very first step in getting a woman aroused is to get her brain going.

How do you do that? Foreplay. There are a whole host of things that happen during this phase, all of which propel her further towards explosion.

Here are some things to look for during that process, as well as what to do to get her moving smoothly along the path to orgasm:

As soon as your partner starts thinking about sex, her body begins to change. The hormone oxytocin overloads her brain in a rushing flood.

This same hormone makes women want to cuddle after sex, and motivates them to bond with their newborn babies after breastfeeding.

She gets ‘emotionally stoned’ on this hormone according to author Theresa Crenshaw, and she needs more and more of it to flow through her circulatory system in order to orgasm.

As her blood starts pumping harder and faster throughout her body, the skin around her face, chest, back and inner thighs starts to flush, turning a deep pink or red.

Some folks call this the ‘glow’ of arousal, although really it is more of a glow signaling her readiness for an increase in stimulation than an indication of her proximity to climax.

More blood gets diverted to her pelvic region as well with similar effects, although her labia will turn dark purple instead of a mere flush.

The closer she gets to orgasm, the darker the hue.

Wherever she gets flushed, she’ll also become more sensitive, as there’s more blood flow to the nerve endings around her body.

Nibbling her ears when she’s excited for example has a different reaction than when her body is unprepared.

Her breasts and nipples get larger as she moves through the foreplay phase of arousal, and may take on a defined pinkish color as well.

Playing with her breasts and nipples during this state increases the amount of oxytocin in her blood as well. In some women this is so prominent that she’ll be able to orgasm from this stimulation alone.

Vaginal lubrication begins during this phase as well, from two tiny ducts that line the opening of her vagina called Bartholin’s Glands.

The lubrication helps both moisturize and prepare the vagina for penetration, not to mention getting the clitoris ready for full-on play.

The best ways to figure out if she’s moved from the foreplay stage to a point where she’s getting ready to work toward climaxing is to look at her clitoral head.

Keep a close look when she is not aroused; her clitoral head won’t be visible to the naked eye, difficult to find with your fingers, or downright impossible to locate.

When she’s aroused however, the clitoral head peeks out from underneath the protective hood, essentially saying, “I’m here and ready to come out and play!”

Before her clitoral head peeks out she’ll prefer light, indirect touches, like light circles around the head, but not directly on it.

Pressure along the front commissure is also pleasurable to help arouse her more.

Once the clit emerges from its hidden place, you’re free to press with firm pressure and venture right for the nub of pleasure.

For an even more in-depth look at the skills of foreplay, Check out this powerful program HERE.

As your woman’s desire moves from foreplay to a readiness for climax, her pulse quickens, her breathing shortens, and her blood pressure increases.

Her vaginal opening also gets smaller while the length can increase up to two inches to accommodate something larger than a finger.

The entire length of her clitoris both internally and externally fills with blood and gets hard, in the very same way your penis gets hard when you are aroused.

The G-Spot also sticks out more so that it can be easily felt, and the clitoral head starts hiding again so that it doesn’t get too stimulated before reaching peak.

You may even notice her labia majora and minora getting tighter and darker, as they stiffen because of the extra blood flow and sensitivity.

Just before orgasm, your partner’s body will increase the intensity all on its own, by ramping up her blood pressure, skin flushing, heart beat and blood flow to a frenzied pace, one that can’t continue for any length of time.

Peaking occurs during orgasm, where all of the built-up tension explodes out through the muscles and fibres of her body.

Contractions overtake her sexual organs, and they pulse rhythmically until she has exhausted the energy and they slow to a stop.

Some women will continue to feel these contractions for up to twenty minutes after orgasm, or continue the intense orgasm on throughout your intercourse!

During orgasm, her vaginal walls vibrate strongly in tandem with her pelvic floor muscles at a rate of approximately once per second.

As her pelvic area contracts, oxytocin flows through her system, especially her uterus, and increases her feelings of comfort and satiety.

Some women will ejaculate some clear, milky fluid along with each contraction, either in a strong gush or a slow trickle, especially with G-Spot stimulation.

The length of time that she can continue to climax can range from a couple of seconds to several minutes, with half a dozen contractions on average.

Having said that, some woman will come very quickly and without many contractions at all, while others have reported orgasmic experiences of an hour or more!

As well, each orgasm differs from the other depending on how aroused she is, how long the foreplay stage lasted, where she is along her menstrual cycle, her age and sexual health.

Pregnant women report stronger than usual contractions and longer orgasms, probably due to general increased blood volume and higher levels of blood flowing through her genitals while pregnant.

After the orgasmic contractions are finished, the last stage of the process is her body’s release of the frenetic tension from the events building up to the climax.

She will get back to her normal state relatively quickly, or with the right kind of touch might be able to start the whole process over again, bypassing the foreplay stage if things get heated again right away.

This is where men and women tend to differ the most when it comes to sexual release: gents usually require some downtime to recuperate after climax, and can’t nearly as often sustain an erection after ejaculation.

Compare that to women, who can jump right back in and orgasm again immediately without having to wait for any kind of refractory period.

Not all women are capable of this, but it is something many can work toward. If anything, a woman can orgasm more easily after she has climaxed recently than if she’s starting from scratch.

Women take much longer than men to return to their pre-aroused state: usually anywhere from five to ten minutes for her as opposed to the average thirty to ninety seconds for men.

Other changes affect how men and women experience orgasm too.

The hormone that flows freely during arousal and climax, oxytocin makes most men want to fall into a dead sleep immediately after sex, whereas a woman’s reaction to the same chemical cocktail is evident most in her desire to cuddle and coo – pillow talk, as they say.

Women are also much less physically sensitive during the release period (except for their clitoral head, which retracts back under its hood as a protection mechanism), whereas most men find their bodies are ticklish or otherwise ultra-sensitive to even the lightest of touches during their downtime.

But it’s not just your gender that affects the experience of orgasm.

The type of stimulation, time frame, mindset, temperature, sensation and levels of friction will set one person around the bend with pleasure, while another doesn’t even flinch with appreciation.

Orgasm is a highly individual experience that differs not only from person to person but from encounter to encounter throughout the menstrual cycle or with different mindsets or emotional outlooks.

Some days it may take a few seconds to catapult a woman from foreplay to climax to release.

Occasionally you may even find that foreplay isn’t needed at all because she’s so incredibly seduced that you can move right to the climax phase of the orgasmic process, but other nights it may take hours just to get through the foreplay phase.

The only thing you can bank on when it comes to orgasm is this:

If you want to get your partner from a non-aroused state to climax, you’ll have to give her consistent, rhythmic sexual stimulation and increase the tension throughout the experience, appropriate to the phase she’s in.

This attentive devotion is what will get her all the way to the Promised Land.

I will stop here. If you loved reading this article on orgasmic sex positions then you’ll also love this POWERFUL VIDEO PRESENTATION BELOW.

Get a goldmine of sexy fun techniques for driving your woman absolutely wild with 5 FREE but powerful orgasm techniques

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Once you have mastered these 5 orgasm secrets, you can give her indescribable pleasure and have her sexually satisfied in no time.

  • IMPORTANT: This FREE guide you are about to watch contains explicit sexual content. By clicking the button above I confirm that I am over 21 years old.
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In this Discussion

Tumbling down the rabbit hole...
    Posts: 109
    So...i've been on this road for 15 months now, and you could say that i fall into the grinder catagory
    since no matter how many aneros model i bought things never really start moving for me, until recently.

    So i went on a hiatus from aneros, for months i practiced my anerosless skills trying to orgasm with my mind,
    and i was fairy successful too, got really nice orgasmic feelings, but then one day it struck me out of the blue,
    the most amazing and wonderful feeling, a chill down the spine, it's bubbly nature combined with orgasmic pleasure was molded into something truly amazing, it only lasted for a few seconds but holy crap that felt good.

    a few days ago i got my new tempo in the mail, and while i never got any of the aneros models to work (and they still don't work), this was something completely different. First time i tried it i got a new kind of invol i've never had
    before, it started pumping the pc muscles like it always had, but this time it was trembling, vibrating, and it felt
    amazing, lots of orgasmic pleasure was washing over me and i started ejecting lots of precum.

    a few days later i got revisited by a old friend, from my anerosless days,
    the chill down the spine combined with orgasmic pleasure. But this time it was more than a few seconds,
    it washed over me, like waves on the shores of a ocean. Usally started in the groin it travelled out to different parts of my body, filling it with sparkly bubblewater mixed with orgasmic pleasure. And when one wave had ebbed, i could feel how i litterly dropped down in level, and that drop feels so good, and then another wave was forming and exploading.

    Chills down the spine with a twist...and i totally love it. It is still not selfpropelled, like a penile orgasm that builds
    on itself and increases in magnitude by itself, i still havent experience anything like that, i have to manually build
    each wave with my nipples and mind, and detonate them and let them explode inside me....

    But someday i hope i will reach critical mass, and go off like a nuke in a blazing fireball that will leave nothing
    of my core being intact, consumed by flames of desires in a cataclysmic hellhole of pleasures beyond belief.

    Have anyone else experienced orgasmic chills down the spine?, please share your experiences...what's next?

    "....it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world.
    Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much,
    my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst...
    And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it,
    and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything
    but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life...
    You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry...
    you will someday." -Lester Burnham, American Beauty
    Posts: 717
    Yes. Once, a couple of years ago, with my Helix, I went for an overnighter, and woke up early, with tingling chills washing up my spine as I lay on my stomach. I then felt the overwhelming urge to throw my shoulder into the bed, and when I did, my whole body started convulsing and thrusting into the bed, and the Helix would thrust itself in a out. As this was happening, I felt a swelling pleasure/pressure growing in my prostate, until I finally came like never before. I believe it was a dry-O, and I felt another one coming (cumming?) on, and then my wife kicked me because I disturbed her slumber before having to get up and go to work, thus ending my one and only shot for a MMO. I've never had it nearly as good since, with most being duds.
  • [Usally started in the groin it travelled out to different parts of my body, filling it with sparkly bubblewater mixed with orgasmic pleasure. And when one wave had ebbed, i could feel how i litterly dropped down in level, and that drop feels so good, and then another wave was forming and exploading./QUOTE]

    Good description of one of the glorious sensations of the Tempo. I have had this sensation over my whole body with the Tempo.
    The Tempo just gets better and does a deeper dive than any other model. I also have had the thought that this may be a good model for beginner's as well.
    I will be interested to see the feedback as more people try this model.
    I rarely have a session that does not result in a series of super-o's so I am definitely hard wired.
    So I haven't recommended it for beginners but it would not surprise me to see it become the new choice for everyone who is struggling to get there.
    It took me a LONG time to have any success with the Aneros line so I know well how it feels to read about many,many people having amazing super-o's without being able to get there.
    Trust me Cyrez, the Tempo is a whole nother mother.
    I have greatly surpassed the depth and intensity from any other model and it just continues to go further and further.
    Here's to your continued success!

    Posts: 1,778
    Hello Cyrez, :)

    I'm not quite there with experiencing these chills/energetic movements as intensely pleasurable or orgasmic. For me they are only mildly pleasurable if even at the moment. But what I really wanted to say is that I like the quote you left at the end. I've never heard it before, but what a good one it is! I can hope to experience more of those moments in my life.

    Posts: 109
    Yup, i love that quote, and its so very true, and that movie is pretty amazing too

    The chills themself is not orgasmic in nature, they're just chills and feels damn good when they ripple through my body, wave after wave after wave, but something weird happens when the prostate generates them, they get in tune with the normal orgasmic feelings that i'm getting and enchances the whole experience to levels i've never experienced before, and it's amazing but i'm guessing i am still blind to whats really out there.

    But one thing is for certain, that one organ is bloody good at playing tunes, and the tempo sure know its beats
    I'm utterly and completely in love with my tempo, the only thing that outshines its amazing beauty is the way it performs inside of you, you will not be dissapointed =)


The Bizarre Bondage Of Beatrix Potter: or The Proof is in the Rolypoly Pudding

Pop culture historians know that the origin of the contemporary Furry culture were fans of “Funny Animal Comics”, but while we generally aren’t shocked that modern Furries are hecking pervy, what if I told you that the fetish fodder woven into those plush suits went all the way to the root?

Meet Beatrix Potter: Late Victorian to Edwardian era mycologist, illustrator, and generally remembered as beloved children’s book author. You probably grew up with at least some familiarity with the Tale of Peter Rabbit (all her kids books followed one animal in human clothes or another) or the other adorably named, folksy very British pastel mammals and birds. I had a complete run of her children’s works, printed hard cover with dust jackets, printed to be about the side of an adult’s hand, with a nice display box.

This isn’t a story where we talk about how she also had a second trade in making BDSM porn, like the explicitly kinky creator of Superman. Beatrix Potter’s other identity was a thwarted by sexism, but outside of her kid’s books, she was merely talented botanist who studied mushrooms (and then after a land conservationist). No, Miss Potter put her kinky themes front and centre: a fascination with authority figures seeking to punish their naughty charges; clothes being shredded, lost and torn; and captivity in tight spaces and scenarios

And there’s nowhere more blatant than “The Tale of Samuel Whiskers”

Read More

Latex fetish bondage, fucking the cum out of him with dildos, & edging -An October Visit to Silver (Part II)

Part 2 of my trip to further claim Silver, body, mind, heart and soul. If you are looking for part 1 you can find it here.

He bought the latex sleep sack off etsy to celebrate his promotion. It’s one of those things that only exist in the realm of perverse desires and has no practical use, neck to toe swaddling, sleeves inside to hold the victim even more immobile. Etsy is a wonderland of bespoke sex toys, both as a sole shop front for many small fetish ateliers, and a never ending fetish fair artisan’s alley where you can browse established makers together and make comparisons.

The sleep sack was fairly cooperative to wrangle, thinner latex that didn’t fight too much to get him in- if I were honest he could probably have sized down, but it’s a good thing to have a bit of stretch. And hey, my lithe man is in a bulk stage of putting muscle back after covid closures carved him down into non-gym access size. It certainly was tight enough to do its job making him feel restrained.

This was only one of several purchases- he also got me the most lovely underbust corset and pencil skirt combination from libidex and an experimental pair of stockings by the same maker (and gloves, which I got distracted and forgot to put on). I made him help me into the skirt, which even if covid has given me ten pounds from lack of walking, still squeezes up nicely. Squuuuish. ^_^

If you saw me naked, you would realize I am magnificently formed around a small waist and hips that occupy the size realm of things that influence the tides. Pencil skirts, tight tailoring and things that stretch and cling are the only solution other than custom tailoring to avoid all that vanishing into my clothing. This skirt plays into my strengths completely.

So, you can imagine I occupied that nicely empowered zone of knowing I looked sexy as hell. The stockings, alas, were a miss. In the first place I have 0 idea what possessed the designer to put the seam in the front. The cuban heel reinforcement suffered what a lot of socks do and sat too low on my foot- I’m a large 9 or a small 10 and all socks seem cut for a 7 by default. Meanwhile the top band did not flatter. These were not stay ups, so they wanted to roll down, but also somehow dig into and deliver up the fat of my thighs like whipped cream busting out a piping bag.

That is to say it still looked delicious, it just also looked clumsy.

Only after I was cinched and lovingly glossed was it time to slide him into his own restraints. Feet first, then with those settled, rolled over and arms thrust into those sleeves inside, before the back zipper pulls him from naked man into a sleek grey package.

Yum. Now to play with him…

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Find a Mistress with 10 Helpful Links!

find a mistress domme or femdom

Ever actually tried to Google how to find a Mistress?

While search profiles vary, SEO spam and porn makes finding useable information on the subject surprisingly hard. As with past projects of approaching things as if I were a clueless newbie, and found a surprisingly sparse number of useful resources immediately popped up. No wonder every newbie asks how to find a mistress in my inbox or in kink groups!

So a curated list!

Although I’ve taken a stab at the question several times, I thought, rather than linking to my article on how to find a domme, I might as well so some community service and collate every good how to find a mistress, domme or femdom article I could scrape. This post may evolve as links come and go, but here’s the top 8 or so to get you started.

Find a Mistress Links

  1. A general guide by Kate Kinsey isn’t a bad start for your search to find a Mistress.
  2. Ferns gives you 10 tips. She even wrote a book.
  3. Here’s an article in metro uk by Miranda Kane. Your question is more mainstream than you think. 😉
  4. The reddit communities r/femdomcommunity and r/bdsmcommunity are dedicated to text based discussions on kink and searching their archives will show you more answers to this question than I could count. There’s even a community called r/BDSMadvice dedicated to answering your questions.
  5. Sidney and Logan Hart have a book on finding your domme here. If you are brave enough, but broke, ask for it via interlibrary loan.
  6. The Smut Project has a massive resource trove including a guide to finding a FemDom Partner.
  7. If you are looking for a rather witty and bossy bit of advice that includes how to not have a professional ignore you, Alexandra Snow has a video on contacting a domme or mistress. This one is more pro-oriented, but trust me, even the pros are picky.
  8. The Chicago Tribune, of all places, wrote an advice article. Again, not bad for starting out, no?
  9. A very easy to read blog list on how to approach dominant women via email.
  10. Femdom Resources took the time to collate a pile of links for directories to find professionals, if that’s your angle, as well as communities.

Please do feel free to drop your own links in the comments. I’m seriously encouraging you here- we need these things to be easier to find.

Taking My Submissive’s Virginity & My Feelings -An October Visit to Silver (Part I)

Taking My Submissive's Virginity, mending buttons, different ways to dominate him, and love

This is going to be long, and entirely true, a diary trying to fit three days into some coherent narrative.  After I started writing I realized the average reader didn’t want to gobble up several thousand words in one post, so I’ve broken it into parts.

The button on his coat set itself free, and I took the sewing kit he never used, but had in stock in his usual bachelor practicality. Then, with a needle and cuss, I mended it.

I said it would take two minutes, and it was more like fifteen, but I was happy to do it all the same. My slightly more than weekend visit had been an indulgence for me, but it’s in my nature to find pleasure in the smallness of the mundane.

When this happened we were a few hours away from carting me off to the airport, and the two weeks of confinement I am enduring while I write this. The obvious response on my part, with very little time left, was to have a “what does this all mean?!” relationship conversation and follow it with a blow job. I might be a bit of a yoyo sometimes.

After I talked about hard questions, like where this is going, desire followed. Posed like a man proposing, one knee down, one up, I suck his cock into my mouth. While I do so, his hands grip the marble edge of the counter behind him. He’s holding himself exposed and vulnerable for me by instinct, and more than a little conscious commitment to the spirit of the law, if not the spoken letter. I haven’t told him to act as if he’s invisibly bound, but he adopts it as naturally as I stir need in him.

He always submits to me.

I think, given a choice, he would prefer a hand job. This blow job definitely isn’t about what he wants, more satisfying my own cravings. I like using my mouth. I’m not so skilled, but the nerve endings and the taste, from oral, are both deeply gratifying to me. So he surrenders to this, accepting his place is to be used how I feel like it.

This time, to my delight, he also makes  few thrusting forays, fucking my mouth. If I was a bit more relaxed I would rub my clit and come with his cock in my mouth. I like his taste and shape, and how he feels, even after four days of exploring desire, he still gets fully hard inside me.

Unfortunately, for various reasons I am still holding an unplaced thread of anxiety, and yet, in his company he has made the pain and half body cramps of the migraine I have had for 4 weeks finally leave me. We’re in a pandemic and work (in an office, back in Canada) is bothering. A doting, beautiful submissive man in another country is a treat at the best of times, and an extravagant luxury in the current circumstances.

I took my property’s technical virginity.

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5 Ways to Celebrate Locktober

It’s Locktober! That’s a full month arbitrarily devoted to celebrating chastity play, and by extension, given the popularity of caging cock in femdom, a whole 31 days to be romantic about F/m dynamics.

With one week left in the month, maybe this comes on the tail of the season, but I thought I’d bang out some quick tips to celebrate locktober – because I’m trying to get back into the swing of writing regular content.

What is Locktober?

Whose idea was this perverse silliness anyway? Well, the origin point is not completely agreed upon, but while the earliest known online post about it was on a chastity forum in 2015, celebrations spread across tumblr during 2016 and 2017, finding fertile ground in the very sharable nature of the then fairly robust adult community. (Credit to Cut to the Chase for making a good try to collate the Locktober lore) The glory days of tumblr are behind it, but the holiday lives on.

I think the origin might even be a cheerful riff on the older No Nut November, with its origin in the r/nofap community on reddit, after the rather more philosophically motivated silliness of boys who don’t wanna cum to preserve their potency gave fodder to fetishists. Not surprisingly there’s also a much more tongue in cheek effort to tie December with Denial.

Regardless of the roots, while No Nut November still has one foot in weird folk beliefs about the physically detrimental effects of the male orgasm, Locktober is for chastity lovers, and ever increasingly, a playful celebration of male submission in general.

1) The traditional method

Grab your chastity cage, cram it inside, click the lock and ask a special someone to be your key holder. 31 days of denial is a marathon, so do your research and look into how to get a good fit on your chastity cage.

You really will want to do your research as you can get a cage in a plethora of materials from decorative and playful metal animal shapes, to silicone, to plastic.

2) The solo method

Not everyone can, or wants to find a partner. Although you could argue that simply not participating at all the the ultimate denial, from the more locked up side, this is actually as good an excuse as you will get to dip your toes into the fetish as more than just a fantasy.

Merits of self locking including dealing with the pesky fit issue now, and also determining if you even like the physical sensations. Have no partner? Apps like Chastikey are here to help with variable time options to practice denial.

And, if you doubt your willpower, there’s alway the old fashioned key in a block of ice, or mailing yourself the key, though with the US postal service under siege you definitely want to make sure you have a safe key for the latter.

3) Making it about your Domme

One of the biggest criticisms of Locktober comes from communities of female dominants, who have observed that there’s an ongoing issue with Male Chastity in general that it tends to be very prescriptivist for how the Top is supposed to react and treat their locked partner. If you want to avoid that, you will need to walk the very fine line between submitting to her, not the fetish- but using your fetish to celebrate her.

Dominants are going to very by how they feel about the subject, but pretty universally clear that the top killer of moods is nagging- both to get locked, and then to get out.

If you want the sexy forfeit experience for your keyholder, the best way to phrase things is a tool she can use to feel as she wishes. Avoid promising more dishes and house chores and think about contexts that make your domme feel both sexy and powerful.

Is it wearing lingerie? Being listened to as a subject matter expert? More one domme even put out the free floating locktober challenge to share your acts of service this month in compliment to the caging.

And, just like how Valentine’s day can be a couple minefield, when it comes to mismatched expectations, talk to the person with the key. And! Make it very clear that you don’t need a special month to obey for her, but it’s great to have another excuse.

4) Being new to denial (and not overdoing it)

One of the biggest pitfalls to Locktober is that prolonged chastity is an endurance sport. A lot of people buy into the fantasy of being perma-chaste, only to feel disgusted or frustrated with themselves when the cage that was supposed to be on for a month is off in an hour.

Take your time, starting with short stints of denial. It’s ok to slowly build up a tolerance to deprivation, and long term chastity fans tell me it’s quite possible to develop a whole new side to your sexuality in the process.

And do take the time to find a community of like minded folks. Denying Thumper is a particular favourite of mine, but not only are their whole online communities dedicated to this, but the best how tos and advice are going to come from your fellow locked folks.

5) Don’t feel locked (snrk) to what other people are doing

Ok, so I’ve talked about this like it’s a thing everyone is clearly doing and on board with. But, shocking reveal, you can hack locktober to work for you. I did! This month I didn’t cage up Silver for the whole thing, I banned him from touching himself with his hands.

Seriously, you can change anything up you want and still be authentic. Maybe you are feeling super pressured because you aren’t good at long term denial. Maybe you are broke in college and can’t afford a cage. Maybe you are a person without the genitals that a cage works for! As amusing as it would be on my resume, I am not the cock cage police.

Regardless of what and how you do it, with a lock and key or the honour system, the most important thing remains the enjoyment and relative safety of those involved- so, happy locking, and feel free to share your month’s adventures in the comments!

Femdom Review: Bold Seduction

Or: “The Bold Seduction Of Professor Hornsby”

It’s Regency Femdom Week, but I am immensely busy trying to dodge a pandemic to safely meet my submissive, and don’t have the undivided attention to bang out a proper work of fiction. Instead I offer a Regency Historical Romance review by way of consolation!

“Bold Seduction” is available on Amazon here as an exclusively digital book, as well as the standard kobo, nook, etc… At the time of writing this review it’s still on sale for 99 cents, but the regular price is quite fair too. I receive no affiliate or financial benefits from my review, and the closest I am to the author is following her on Twitter.

The book, itself

The Bold Seduction (of Professor Hornsyby) by Karyn Gerrard, was something I grabbed on sale for 99 cents. The premise was unusual- a male virgin, so I was intrigued to see what she would do with it, although I had never read anything by her before.

I am very glad I did.

I keep saying the problem isn’t that femdom content isn’t out there, it’s that it is seldom flagged as femdom. This particular novel manages to hit enough points to do better than many things that call themselves thus, and with the organization of the first annual Regency Femdom Week,  I would be remiss not to both review and promote this book.

Our hero, Philomena, or “Phil”, is a brothel madam who still occasionally sees clients. She’s now in her early 30s and doing very comfortably, but getting a little bit bored. Thus when she is hired by the well meaning friends of Spencer, the third son of a nobleman, to relieve him of his virginity, she takes the job herself. “Professor” Spencer is autistic, and as an austistic person (me), his portrayal is probably my favourite in fiction so far.

The book is from a short story, and now is the launch of a trilogy. I can see why she gave it a second pass and more fleshing out; it was well worth its increased length. Although it’s very much an erotic romance, there is no gratuitous sex, and an extremely slow burn story, as much about cooking and getting to know one another than bedroom romps. I usually skip the sex scenes in romances, and I never felt I needed to here.

This is not hard femdom, but (author) knows how to build a tease and denial atmosphere, replete with edging. Despite her mission, and the hero’s reluctance, our protagonist manages to reaffirm enthusiastic consent every step of the way. The convenient remote location and lack of transportation to and from the hero’s isolated house gives the characters space to get to know each other and her to respect the initial no without immediately leaving. If not strictly a Christmas romance, with the framing of New Years in the background, this is a Holiday story that holds up year round.

Content note to femdom hungry readers:

Although most of the sex is very directed and initiated by her, as Spencer starts to feel his oats, the heroine enjoys him taking a more assertive role occasionally.

It does not, however, disempower her or flip roles completely. He very innocently keeps joking about her being a queen in a way that I find is often a real life tell for a sub guy in the wild.

As a person who has done the sexual initiation thing, I generally find I appreciate knowing I have installed confidence into my target. I generally don’t code it as “dominant” in my emotional experience of his behaviour, but I enjoy Silver takes initiative and doesn’t confine himself to by the numbers submission.

This book does zero sadomasochism and manages to affirm enthusiastic content with natural regularity. There is no bondage, and no degradation. You won’t enjoy this if you are hunting harder kinks, but I found it nicely hit on the right notes for a naturally occurring FLR.

What about its success as a genre piece & romance?

There’s all the good stuff of a historical romance: Dresses. Navigating social class. Self discovery. Social ruin. The fantasy of inequality put in the service of feeling powerful. We don’t, thankfully, get a surprise extra level of enobling, but the hero is the third son of an Earl, so this isn’t strictly speaking the rare historical commoner romance.

Phil’s approach to sex work doesn’t go down quite so obnoxiously as many heroines, although this does do the “only client I actually ever was attracted to”. She is a victim of an abduction into her trade, which I was a little cautious of, and a little foreshadowing that her wicked aunt and uncle may have intentionally disposed of her into this state of social ruin. Luckily this book doesn’t assert all sex workers are victims, but touches on her colleagues having a huge scope of different experiences and relationships with what they do for a living.

Buried in all this, however, is a very lovely story about the isolation of trauma. Maybe this is particular to me, my autism exists in a space of unclear beginning/end between serious business abuse I survived. Spencer and Phil are both living in self imposed silos of isolation because of abuse, and that’s rather the connection point I can understand how they get each other.

Emotionally Avoidant People In Love

Phil and Spencer are using intense self reliance as a means to be safe, and neither is very trusting. Spencer overtly is never sure if he can trust the good intentions of anyone but his family due to very real past experiences. Phil, meanwhile, repeatedly remarks she respects, but isn’t close to her colleagues in her business, with a very obvious theme of nurturing but arms length to them. For example, a character mentioned repeatedly, but not introduced “Darius” her business’s security, is a rescue from a back alley beating, and I can bet that her “nobody cares about me” attitude never uttered self pityingly, is ruthlessly enforced.

Spencer makes her feel safe because she is so busy unpuzzling him and accommodating, that the inevitable love sneaks up and grabs her unawares. She makes him feel safe because she narrates everything she is doing with him and takes the time to explain something he’s hitherto been exposed to as something humans are supposed to automatically figure out.

Another thing I found pleasant in Gerrard’s depiction of autism was that she skipped the trope of inherent misanthropy. The hero is withdrawn, not because he can’t connect with people, but because the experience of being autistic has provided repeated trauma, both sensory processing and socially. We learn his inevitable social class fueled boarding school experience was an exercise in learning to suppress to survive. But we also see a family that, like every family tree with autism in it, has learned to accommodate.

What Spencer has, that Phil doesn’t, is a foundation of being loved by family, that he is able to share, in turn, by loving her.

And (hooray!), he is no Rain Man. True, he is an academic, but he’s not framed as a magic savant, just a guy with a strong knack for his field of study. I also had to grin when I saw him doggedly (and implied accurately) using the medium of classical history to understand human behaviour- oops, hello me! He also isn’t a particularly successful scholar as far as achievement- his “Professor” is a courtesy title he’s chasing because he seems to be trying to leverage his talents to overcome his disability.

Spencer also wanders around being boggled Phil doesn’t send him into a meltdown, again, see me with a big Cheshire cat grin. With spectrum disorders you can come to believe your worst is normal. In reality, the severity goes up and down with how stressed you are, so a discovery of a modicum of empathy and acceptance can seem miraculous.

Although I don’t consider saying their is a HEA is a spoiler, I am going to park a more tag before I touch on the climax of the novel.

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7 Ways To Fuck Up Adding Chastity To Your Relationship

adding chastity to your relationship
Don’t destroy your own dreams

I’m writing this as a quick hot take assuming a hetero audience, and likely a lot of nodding along from the femdom side. I know that there’s no shortage of complain lists in kink, so with each point, when it comes to adding chastity to your relationship, I tried to add some alternative DOs as well. Negativity might drive clicks, but ultimately BDSM is supposed to be fun.

Nobody likes a nag, and coercion through persistence is going to deliver the least fun experience for all of you. Unless she’s specifically into grudging acquisition, nagging to be locked, or after you get locked, nagging for release, are both going to give her a headache.

Instead, take the time to understand her turn ons. She’s more likely to want you out again if she’s horny, than if you pester. Additionally, approach the topic of adding chastity to your relationship with honesty about how much of a deal breaker or not chastity is for you. This will be super hard, but wearing her down to a yes won’t be any better than getting a no up front. Do try to make a difference between understanding her reservations about the activity and pushing past her consent.

Promise her it will make you a better partner

This one is the keyholder bribe-to-play standard. Forums, porn and how to sites are full of people talking about how you will be a better partner in bed or emotionally when you are caged. I cannot stress how much this is a bad idea. Everyone wants to be a better partner, so I can understand how it can make you feel warm and fuzzy to think about being extra motivated. Nonetheless, all she is going to hear is that she needs to bribe you to get her needs met.

Instead, think about your pitch in terms of how it makes you feel. Communicate your arousal or sense of being loved. This has the additional dividend that your partner is more likely to develop the feelings along with it, than if they think this is how you will do the dishes reliably or whatever.

Dive in too fast/heavy

So she said yes! Awesome, as much as we write about this as a fantasy men provide to women, maybe she’s super into it. Maybe it’s even her idea! The mistake you can make here is huge commitments, like long term locking when you have never done it before. Chastity is an acclimation that favours you both building endurance and familiarity.

(So yes, maybe don’t so the full, hard denial Locktober if you have never done this before.)

Ignore custom fit

Not just fitting the device to you, avoid off the shelf fantasies. Don’t assume everything in chastity porn is a fait accompli. Adding chastity to your relationship isn’t a rigid, one true way activity, so assuming you are absolutely obligated to do everything in the porn is doing yourselves both a disservice.

You already know you are supposed to ease into it. While you are doing so, focus particularly on the parts that work for both of you. Porn tends to both cram every fetish it can together to maximize audience size, while depicting the fetishes as rigidly as possible

Unlike a chastity story or porn clip, your relationship only needs to appeal to the people in it. Discard or add anything that works for you.

Assume she hates your penis (or sex)

One of the biggest fuckups would be locked subs make is uncritically buying into the idea that no normal woman wants a guy’s dick. Yes, we probably grew up with the stereotype of the horny man and the frigid woman who needed wooing. This also is a perfectly valid fetish, in its own right. But, and here’s the big caveat, you don’t have to do it if you don’t need that part. By leaning only on humiliation/rejection framing, you reject a whole avenue of being possessed.

I call this stereotype out more than anything else. Along with the chastity for better relationship treatment bribe, chastity because the person finds sex with you appalling is probably the biggest sales pitch barrier.

Sometimes getting her on board is more about getting across that it’s a game of cock on demand and on her terms, not deprivation for her.

You don’t let her develop her own relationship with chastity

I mentioned the problems of assuming she doesn’t like sex, or bribing her by being a good partner. I also talked about avoiding approaching it with the assumption she finds your penis repugnant. With the practical dominance of male voices in communities dedicated to the subject, even though adding chastity to your relationship might be something you are trying to make all about her, beware of accidentally giving her an equally cramped emotional and psychological cage.

Try to be patient if she goes off script from your fantasies, but still seems into it. Be extremely mindful of resources that assume her feelings and make space for her to experiment and tell you what she feels about it. Your keyholder may very well surprise you with plans and fantasies of her own.

Fucking up your framing/introduction

Explain cock cages to the average woman and she might laugh uncomfortably and say no. This isn’t because the idea is inherently worthy of contempt, but because the information is seldom presented in pop culture or porn in a way that makes it approachable.

Your partner is a unique person with her own hopes, dreams, and so forth. You almost certainly know her better than any how to article could. But, what you can bring in common is that first opener.

Telling her that you like a physical reminder of her, and your desire for her via a cage won’t work for everyone, but it’s a definite step up over going straight to talking about your own degradation, if that wasn’t part of your dynamic already. Pitching being submissive to her is similarly more positively done by talking not about what she lacks “could you be more dominant?” but via those traditional I statements “I feel I can trust you and share my fantasy. I like that I can be vulnerable with you.”

In conclusion…

This is not the last word on the subject, and I definitely encourage you to look at other resources. If you get one take away from all this, the paradox of selling chastity is simultaneously to give her room to have her own feelings and desires about it, but also to examine your own desires intimately enough to translate them into the terms that work for her.

Favourite Femdom Things to Buy: October 2020 Edition

Because a significant amount of my time is spent looking at neat or sexy things and honestly if I find it interesting I might as well share. Captialism!

“Mistress” T-shirt from Ava Ex Machina

It's a picture of me.
Modeling a “Medium” after one wash, and looking damn good doing it, too.Available with or without accessories…

Luna Matatas, the sex educator, has cleverly realized that branded merch is a good way to get people to support her work, and tbh even though it’s just a canvas pouch with printing, it’s working way too well on me.

I can’t decide between this Definitely not Bondage Stuff bag, and the same design in black and white.

S- Series Roomba Robot Vacuum

I will stick googly eyes to it.

Roomba. Send Roomba. Roomba now. Please give. I deserve a roomba. You need to send me a roomba.

I obviously should receive the fanciest roomba on the market.

There’s an affiliate link to Tantus’s store, but that’s the only possible kick back there. You can read more about my policy with ads and sponsored content here.Scene With Silver Go Whoopsie

Sunday, we played casual over webcam, myself in a clingy leather look mini dress but also wrapped in a loose black cardigan, and him no collar or other symbols except the hidden presence of a moderately sized butt plug.

I did not plan, let my mood decide where things went. As I am prone to I let a riff about my future desire to lay out belated birthday spankings with a hard backed hair brush pull us into that intimate state of focus on eachother, and the theme of the day became discipline.

Discipline is not a common activity for us. I don’t like the sensation of not receiving compliance and correcting it, most of the time, and have a hard time eroticizing not getting what I asked for. But it serves a purpose, and I ventured there: had he been bad?

He, squirming and enjoying the penitent vulnerability, confessed to missing three days of daily edging. Technically within compliance- as with most of my orders it was and if/then. If he is not sufficiently stressed by life, then edge and tell me about it.

But I had given him the option that if he acquired guilt he could purge it in scouring. I am attracted to anxious people, and understand a fair amount about their psychology, one part being the painful state of feeling insecure about disappointing long after the disappointed party has gotten over it. And I know any anxious person go into a guilt spiral when they contemplate the comfort of being told something they feel they caused is still pricking them.

Punishment here is an act of reassurance. I mean, ultimately it’s makeup sex for kinky people, something we mutually enjoy to turn off the scumbag brain going NoNoNoBad

I can’t, with distance and Covid19, obviously do pain play the usual ways, but while I am not a fan of the self spanking (I think I could get into literal self flagelation with a knotted rope scourge, but we don’t have one), we have the pavloc and the relative safety of stress positions.

Although pushing a button to make a zap, wince and erection throb will never get old, I like stress positions in particular, for Silver, because he is in meticulous physical shape (my cute little gym bunny!) and is the sort of person to whom if you said “fuck yourself until you are tired” he would do so not until his arm was sore, but until he was a weakly twitching heap on the carpet.

Summoning my disciplinarian voice, which for the record, is still in the territory of “croon”, but conveys a slight edge to ratchet tension, I ordered him to strip. This, he did so, shucking off clothes with wild abandon.

So I made him stop, remember to fold everything neatly.  I enjoyed the enthusiasm he peeled off with, don’t get me wrong. There’s an erotic thrill in the strip and toss, but the Aesthetic is a dominant’s most useful weapon in maintaining a unified mood.

Chastened by my observation of his flattering but accidentally disobedient display of eagerness, everything else was removed and duly folded, then piled in a tidy stack and held, fancy waiter style, on a flat palm with arm extended.

He edged for me and I corrected him accordingly, reminding him I would never discourage him from being excited, but he still needed to remember for the sake of remembering, and finding satisfaction, we moved on.

I made him hold the stress position called “motorcycle” which is basically a wall sit sans wall and with your arms up, and edge the three times he said he missed. During that he had to repeat several times, the first because he forgot to count out loud (to be fair I didn’t tell him to) and the next few times because his legs had enough.

Anguished, exhausted, vulnerable. I stressed that not doing wasn’t the failure as much as not telling me. And that I didn’t mind him collapsing and trying over and over again.

As much as he endured for me, I also layered on cooing, encouragement, reassurance. I am a sadist with a soft heart. I love his suffering and making him so makes me gooey inside. My physical arousal at each desperate groan when is strength gave out was matched with a certain sympathy.

Good boy. In the aftermath of his punishment the topic turned to the erotic, asking him when he did have free permission to cum (basically before me). What moment in fantasy was his release?

We all have our triggers. Mine is usually when the text hits a climax demonstration of some symbolic extreme loss of agency. Not shockingly I tend to read a lot of modification, brainwashing and captivity stories. And, as I mentioned these are often vile, physically impossible nonsense, and most definitely the sort of stuff we firmly call “cnc” to separate the barrier between really wanting to keep someone in your basement and imaging elaborate scenarios where this might be possible but no real persons are harmed.

His trip, more often than not, is the moment when the victim-protagonist succumbs to the control, hypnotic or otherwise, usually a symptom there of being their own orgasm.

So thus, I pushed, no orgasm until I take something from him permanently, only endless edging. He could either wait until I take his virginity in October (mine now!), or come up with something else.

Right hand continuously stroking a rather immensely thick erection, he thought for a moment and daringly suggested his twitter user name.

“You have a twitter account?”

Yes, lurking to follow points of interest, including a quiet follow when I first propositioned him back in November 2019 (American Thanksgiving), after I gave him my various and sundry online details so he could get to know my sexuality. Unlike Ferns, I treat my body of work so important to my core self that I do not want sexual or romantic contact with someone who has no interest in it.

Also of course, predating me, Silver quietly follows other content makers and dommes, either past service providers or persons of interest- this being the actual revelation. I actually am not sure what to do with that information since while I am a big believer in healthy relationships when practical with exes and in trust that it’s fine to think your friends, or other people are hot, I am not sure I want to pry into what feels like their intimacies.

For example, I enjoyed him sharing a few past scene photos providers had snapped of him, but in these cases the “she” wasn’t in the photo and I could admire her work more abstractly.

Providers aren’t exes, but they add the desire in me to treat them with the same respect and accommodation. Although I find the “true love waits” purity of a one partner only rhetoric alarming, I see the concept that intimacy and romance change a person, paid or otherwise, as a feature not a bug.

But, obviously providers don’t want some civie patiently slotting them into the same category I do of former members of my kid brother’s polycule, which is to say a distant sense of positive obligation that they have remotely plausible chance to turn up and be given a cup of tea.

So I get ridiculously British concerned about manners over it, a sort of fumbling divide by zero where I am feeling awkward because I am imagining a dominatrix bothering to reach out to a former, fairly casual client to catch up because she is in town or whatever. I project that role onto a hypothetical *them* and then immediately feel wildly embarrassed about daring to presume. Because obviously that isn’t plausible.

You can add a third meta hypothetical of said poor dominatrix standing in my kitchen patiently looking perplexed while my overly fussy brain steams out the ears harder than the kettle I am making her tea with.

Back to the moment (and erection) at hand

It’s not the first time Silver’s told me something relationship related mid-edge. Last time I ordered him to confess I learned, while pumping his cock, that he had politely sent his former dominatrix a letter cancelling her (er, his?) services and told his parents I existed.

I think it’s kind of endearing that unless he’s come recently, my presence tends to cause the urge to furiously masturbate.

I teased him about being “sneaky”, and I admit to a little spur of sharpness, even though contextually it was something that made the most practical sense, mostly because I assumed he did not have one after he mentioned not wanting to participate in the hurly burly of the barely moderated social sphere.

But, I also reassured, enjoying the bit of fight and the vulnerability of having a secret pocket he compulsively had withheld.

I leaned into this, pushing for more, asking what else, and he offered out handing over previously stashed erotica and porn (not to deny by my preference, rather as intimate data).

Yes, but I knew he had those. What else?

He had a pause here, a mental barrel scrape, and I observed something very true but very difficult.

With every relationship, within 1 to 6 months, that person’s core structure become self evident, non-negotiables that I accept. Silver is an intensely private person. He will omit to mention things you would think were normal- not just a sort of grey rock, but affecting a river tumbled smoothness.

He would never give you his opinion on politics or share the latest documentary he is listening to. He wouldn’t mention an event he attended and spare any show of temper, blanketed under the most careful bland patience, withdrawing from the hint of social drama.

I had previously accepted pieces of him will surface in their own time. We might be ancient and well wizened decades from now, only for me to discover that every day he takes ten minutes to do an act of anonymous charity, or that he is a huge fan of 90s EuroPop sensation Aqua.

But, without thinking it would be hurtful, I teased about his tendency to lie by omission.  I had meant to underline the known contrast that Silver is deeply submissive and immensely independent and individualistic. It did not carry that.

This isn’t the first time I have played with the real. The other week I did a mind fuck, narrating that his (normal) anxieties about the relationship were actually his real self asserting over my seductive hypnosis, producing extremely aroused shivers of fear from him.

This time he visibly shrank back a bit and his eyes took on a hurt cast, small an vulnerable. I could not and would not eroticize that. His penis, previously rock hard, gently curled towards the left.

Silver did not cry off, but after a moment of reading his expression I did, breaking tone. There’s a difference in the way I use my voice, and had I been there in person it would be my arms that held him.

I do have to be careful, for me what is a reasonable right to privacy, is not necessarily a part of the self everyone is proud of. I told him that I loved the whole him, that I didn’t need all truths just for the sake of collecting them and preferred him to keep his space and secrets.

Even these blog posts are run through him first, catching anything, in description of his life or our shared intimacy, that is too much and too raw to feed to the world.

Me keeping a blog is non-negotiable, me treating his own story with care is reasonable.

He told me that it was a hard moment where he thought he might safeword but he also thought I was really upset. And obviously, in his mind, he couldn’t safeword out of my raw feelings?

I told him he very well could. It is ok to take a break on a heated or difficult discussion, to make some things off limits, even to someone who loves you.

Obviously there are practicals, but ultimately short of trying to shut down “aaaugh you are literally on fire” a safeword is BDSM’s best contribution to interpersonal relationships.

We talked a bit until the raw feelings dissipated, in in the way that we do my words began to arouse him again, drawing his cock back up skyward and him restored. And I took back that purr of presence, by gesture and word telling him I was forcing him to come for me.

Swift, hard, and with a complex sort of regret. Tease and denial versus making a man come is a bit of wanting to have my cake and eat it too. I want that rapt attention and desperation, but also I want him to have that mind blanking sensation of release.

And then cozy discussion after, the usual routine, cupped palm to avoid anointing the carpet with thwarted biological imperative, rinse, towel around his middle. Chatting about the week ahead, we pretend covid and the US political situation wasn’t ominously intervening on the earnestness of our longings.

Parting ways a tiny bit of sad quirked, and he picked up on it and asked if something was wrong. I explained that I was just labile after, and it wasn’t his place to need to reassure me for something that was a bit of echo sad for finding a boundary. I told him, honestly, it would dissipate on it’s own.

By the next day it’s mostly gone, and fits into my knowledge that my ability to deserve trust as a dominant is not born of telepathy but testing, and proof that I won’t mangle things when tenderness is needed.

I discussed this with Silver a bit more than his usual read through because it deals so much with his vulnerability. I do ask you treat the privilege of his consent to share with the same respect I do.


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LANCASTER A Lancaster Township man was convicted Friday of more than two dozen charges regarding sustained beatings, sexual abuse and imprisonment of four children. Donald A. Moyer, 63, will be sentenced after a background investigation is completed in a couple months.

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